Wednesday 2 February 2022

Please Make It Stop

My posts over the last year and a half have been intended to explain, not complain, about what is going on in my life. I hope it doesn't come across as complaining, but I realize it might.

If you've been reading during that time, you know about my husband's illness and death, my mother's increasing dementia, and just recently our series of snowstorms that brought extra physical labour that I feel poorly equipped to deal with.

What you didn't read about over the past year, because I didn't write about it, because I was having a hard time coping with the rest of my life at the time, was that there was a fire at my workplace and we had to move to a new location, and that there was another death in my extended family - a cousin with whom I became close after my dad's stroke. She had a rare medical condition but kept going and going and in my stupid naivete I didn't think ahead to the probability that she wasn't going to keep going forever. She passed away in July 2021, something that seemed both unthinkable when it happened and completely predictable in hindsight. I miss her optimism and sense of humour and wish that life had been kinder to her.

Now there has been another death, this time in my work family. My boss of twenty years died suddenly last weekend. We are a close-knit group at the office, and although he had recently retired and moved away, he was still doing some work for us remotely. He had a big personality and a huge heart and it seems impossible that we will never see him again.

In a much less sad - yet still significant - update, we had another 18 inches of snow last weekend, and have another storm coming this weekend. I didn't take my mother to my house the last time and I regretted it, as the roads were not plowed by the time I was supposed to deliver her medications. I have a 4-wheel drive and eventually just parked in the middle of her street while I ran in with her pills, but it was dicey driving and I worried non-stop for the duration of the storm that we would lose power because I knew I couldn't get my mother to my house if it did. This week I think I need to convince her to stay with me again. This is not what I want to do. It disrupts both her life and mine, and I find it very stressful. But I don't see that I have much choice.

Please, universe: make it stop. MAKE IT STOP. 


Because I know the universe is not listening and I need to take things into my own hands wherever possible, I've decided I have to consciously write about other things in my life besides the hard stuff. Lately I tend to write as a relief valve when the pressure gets to be too much. I would like to write for the enjoyment and the escape it provides, and I'm going to try to do that. So if it seems that I've done a complete about-face, you'll know why.

Some funnies to seal the deal: Dogs On Trampolines ...



May your week and your spirits fly as high as these doggos do. 



crafty cat corner said...

Hi Jenny
I feel for you but know exactly how you feel.
I am going through a similar thing here with Tom deteriorating daily and my arthritis doing the same. Our son who is the nurse is on the edge wondering if he will be able to keep his job because of this jab and the shambles of a government, (looks like he's okay for now but who knows in the future) and my daughter is also depressed.
Rupert was at the vets again yesterday, luckily he seems a bit better today and I wonder just what each day is going to throw at me.
All we can do is make the most of the things you enjoy and hope that it all improves soon.
The world is in such a mess thanks to human beings interfering with nature and being greedy and I think it's affecting all of us.
I know you have the strength to keep going as I do, just keep going it has to have some sunshine at the end of the tunnel.
Lots of love

Sandi said...

Are those dogs happy or scared?

I wonder that about our weird world too. What are we, dogs on trampolines?

My condolences.

gz said...

Keep on writing.. it keeps you going.
It's something to see in real life...dogs really get trampolines and fun!

Elephant's Child said...

Heartfelt hugs my chosen sister. And no, you haven't been complaining.
How I wish we could all jump as high as those doggos - though don't you would ever see happy photos of a cat on a trampoline...

Marie Smith said...

It is good to have an outlet for whatever is going on in our lives. Blogging gives us that. So sorry about the loss of so many people from your life this last year. I hope this is our last storm. That stuff is piling up! Take care!

Mike said...

It was hard to believe that dogs could jump like that on trampolines. But I googled dogs on trampolines and found youtube videos.

Susan said...

I wouldn't call it complaining. I see it as honest sharing. I wish you well in shaping your blog to give you pleasure and solace. You deserve it.

dinthebeast said...

Condolences for your losses and hard times, but I think you have a good idea here.
When I used to suffer from depression I found that writing often helped, and after a while the depression didn't really overwhelm the writing.
When I didn't have what it took to play music, writing something that was good, that I could hold in my hands when I was done and have to admit to myself that it wasn't bad, bad like everything else seemed to be at the time, sort of opened a little window through which I might be able to see things that my depression was hiding from me, things that would improve the situation I found myself mired in.
I don't know whether writing can help you like it helped me, but perhaps it's worth a try?
Good luck with the weather. Our snow has turned to ice, and the car might not navigate it well.

-Doug in Sugar Pine

Anonymous said...

It's your blog. We like your blog. Up to you. I love the look in the eyes of the Husky? dog, centre photo.

37paddington said...

Dear jenny, you may need that release valve right now, with all that is happening, so don't hesitate to use it here. I find I write to process, sometimes to see things more plainly, sometimes to get it outside of myself, sometimes to keep myself sane. Please dont feel as if you have to be more cheerful for us. Sometimes, we simply arent feeling very cheerful, and that's so valid, too. It does not come across as complaining by the way, only that you are carrying so very much right now, and I wish I could help in some way. Hugs.

Diane Henders said...

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. Here's hoping you get a break soon, and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you during the storm.

River said...

it just goes on and on and on and winter with its snow doesn't help. I do hope you can convince your mother to stay again, hard as it is on both of you, there will be a small comfort in knowing that she is getting her pills and being warm and safe too.

kylie said...

Huskies are always judging!

Is the universe throwing ALL your bad stuff at you at once? Yes, make it stop sounds is what I would say too.

Spring has to come soon, right?

Joan (Devon) said...

I don't think you're complaining, just saying what is going on in your life which isn't of your making, the snow, your Mum's problems and the passing of people close to you. When I get a bit fed up with my situation I write a poem about it and its affect on me etc which does make me feel a bit better. I suppose that is my self therapy. Take care Jenny and don't take too much to heart.

messymimi said...

Lots of prayers for you and your extended family. For your sake, i hope it does stop soon.

Mr. Shife said...

Love, love, love the doggos on trampolines. And I hate, hate, hate that you are dealing with all of this. Please know that you are cared for, jenny_o, and we are here for you if you need to vent. You definitely don't need to apologize for doing it because you are dealing with a lot. Take care.

Red said...

Well I can't make it stop but I do realize that you are going through a bad time and hope that this series will stop and you get your life back together again.

jenny_o said...

Briony: You are dealing with an awful lot there. You're right, we just have to keep going, even on the days we don't know how. Hugs to you too.

Sandi: Thank you. And I think those dogs are happy. I've seen videos of dogs jumping on trampolines and they seem to really enjoy it.

gz: Yes, I think dogs really do like trampolines and it sounds like you've seen them in person enjoying it!

Elephant's Child: Hugs to you too, dear one. And I hadn't thought about cats on a trampoline ... I suspect you're 100% correct :)

Marie: I know that some seasons of life are just this way and we have to endure as best we can. And you're right, there's not much room for any more snow. It's going to have to stay up in the sky. Hah.

Mike: I've seen those videos too and I'm convinced the ones I saw were happy - maybe more than happy - maybe ecstatic - jumping on the trampoline. I don't think you could actually MAKE a dog jump if it didn't want to!

Susan: I'm always worried that I am complaining. Yet how can I get things out of my head and off my chest without talking or writing about them? I like the term "honest sharing" that you used. That gives it more dignity.

Doug: It's definitely worth a try. Thank you for telling me about your experience; it reinforces what I've been thinking. And good luck with the ice. Your winter sounds worse than ours.

Andrew: Thanks for the encouragement. Yes, I think that's a Husky. They have such personality. Google husky videos sometime you're bored. They are drama queens!

37p: Your gentle understanding always means so much to me. We'll see how my resolve holds out.

Diane: Thank you, and this storm is described as "slow-moving" so it looks like my mom will be here two nights again ... but at least I won't be worrying about her safety.

River: You're right, I do think it's better for her to be here where she's safe and at least I won't need to be worrying about her. I'm trying to think of things we can do to pass the time. She's hard of hearing and can't see well (cataract) but I'd like to have something to do besides listening to the same stories over and over. Fingers crossed.

kylie: Our spring doesn't show up for another two months. Maybe I'll be in super shape by then from all the snow shovelling. Ha ha. Do you think Harry would like a trampoline?

Joan: I've been too down to even write a poem about my misery, so far anyhow. Maybe I'm getting to the point where I can consider trying it, though. I'm glad it helps you. We all need some way to de-stress and express our feelings.

Mimi: I know other folks have a lot going on, too. It surprises me that we are not all suffering from PTSD or maybe it's just that I've never before had quite so many things to handle all at once so I'm still figuring it out whereas other people have unfortunately had to learn already. Whatever it is, thank you for your support.

Mr. Shife: Thanks, dude. I appreciate your encouragement. And I'm glad you liked the doggos :) I wonder if a fat basset would enjoy a trampoline ...

Red: Yeah, at some point things will calm down, I'm sure. Until then, I'm glad to have people to share it with because it does help.

Bonnie said...

You have been through so much and you need that relief valve of getting your feelings out. That is part of what friends are for. I am sorry for the other losses that we did not know about. You know, I think sometimes we go through times in our lives when it does seem like the universe is determined to not give us a break. But I do believe those bad times are eventually equalized with good times. Hang in there, you have made much more progress than I think you can see because you are too close to it. You still have a lot on your plate but I pray that bit by bit things will improve for you. I'm sorry it's all so hard now. I wish I could help and you know you have a lot of friends here that care for you.

I love the Dogs On Trampolines!

Charlotte (MotherOwl) said...

Dear Jenny, You're not complaining, but sharing. I would happily take all your snow and send you all my green winter! And I think that I speak for most of us saying that compassion, not curiosity is behind our asking: how are you now. Writing is an excellent thing. It was the only thing I could do as well, when I was laid down last year (When I could stay vertical long enough ;) ) I love your stories from the past and hope you're going to share some of the new ones, but still keep us updated on your life.
I would be wary taking mother home, afraid that she suddenly wanted to stay forever. Could you possibly sleep somewhere near? (Sorry if this is impertinent. It's probably just mirroring my own fear).
Dogs and trampolines looks great fun. Cats will never learn, as they are not heavy enough to bounce.

e said...

Dear Jenny, I am sorry to hear of yet another loss and more grieving in your life. I send virtual hugs. Feel free to write whatever you need or want, it is your blog and does not need to be shaped to your readers. Wishing you peace.

Steve Reed said...

Write whatever you want! If you need to vent, do it! We are here to experience your life as you're living it, whatever that entails. I'm sorry about your other losses. This does seem to have been a heck of a year or two for you.

I'm just not sure those dogs are enjoying themselves!

jenny_o said...

Bonnie: Those are comforting thoughts. Thank you.

Charlotte: I am wary of taking my mother home, especially since she seems to enjoy the possibility of repeat visits! I think she is feeling the isolation more than when she could still drive, understandably so. Unfortunately, I can't leave my cats to stay at my mother's, so she has to come here. We will muddle through. Thank you for your concern and kindness.

e: Thanks; I do think I have more peace in my life now than I did over the past year. I'm getting there.

Steve: But how can you make a dog use a trampoline in order to take photos? Also, see my follow up post :) I like your phrase about readers being here to experience life as I'm living it; that makes sense.

Joanne Noragon said...

Dear, dear Jenny--I hate you have to find it's no rose garden! You used to encourage me all the time. I wish I could do better for you. I do love you!
Of those dogs, the black and white and the collie will not toss their cookies upon landing.

jenny_o said...

Joanne: Love IS encouragement - thank you.

Diane Stringam Tolley said...

I'm putting this thought out there into the universe: please give our Jenny a big, joy filled break!