Catching Up

Hello, my people.

It's been so long since I've posted, I feel like I don't quite belong in the blogosphere anymore.

But here I am anyway.

I am at home recovering from the surgery I thought I would be having last October. Turns out the doctor doing the surgery was unaware how long the wait would be. I'm just glad to have it over with.

There's been a bit of a wrinkle in the week since surgery. My heart rate was quite elevated one day so I went to the Emergency department. Bloodwork was done, and showed I am diabetic. I also had to have a CT scan with dye to rule out a blood clot in my lung. 

I am not as surprised as I could be about the diabetes. I had gestational diabetes with my first pregnancy, requiring daily insulin shots. It all settled down after the baby was born, and I had no problems in my second pregnancy. I have been tested every year to see if I was developing diabetes, and every year was given the all clear. My last bloodwork was in June 2025. However, I was not being as careful about my weight and diet as I should have been. I feel I've been struggling with everything since my husband died, and only recently feeling motivated to do more for my health. Unfortunately, it was too little, too late. But I do feel I am now prepared for this challenge, and have a good knowledge base from long ago to anchor my efforts going forward. I have an appointment with my family doctor in a week's time to chart a course of action.

As for the surgery recovery itself, I think it's going okay. I was plagued by coughing at first, caused by post nasal drip seemingly related to the anesthesia and then to a pain medication, but that is easing now. My son, who lives with me now, has been spectacular about getting me where I need to go and making sure I have everything I need. The day of surgery, I had to be at the hospital at 6:30 a.m., and we had a huge snowfall overnight. He was out shovelling show at 2:30 a.m. for two hours. The snowplow cleared our street only a half an hour before we had to leave. It was an "interesting" drive to the hospital. The surgeon was late getting there but in the end everything worked out okay.

I'm so thankful for so many things. Crises in life have a way of making clear what matters and what doesn't. I have family and friends and neighbours and co-workers who care about me and that is everything to me.

***

My mother-in-law passed away at home on December 26. My son and I had planned to visit her that day, as I was having Christmas dinner with my mother at the nursing home on the 25th. I woke up sick on Christmas Day and couldn't follow through with either visit. My sister-in-law found my mother-in-law early on the 26th when home care workers were unable to reach her at her apartment by phone to do her care. We think she had a quick end, probably a stroke, and hope it was peaceful. I will miss her. My husband got a lot of his good qualities from his mom, and I could see echoes of him in her mannerisms, voice, and expressions. It felt like there was still part of him here whenever we visited her. I am glad to have our children and grandchildren, and nieces and nephews from his side of the family. Still, the family grows smaller and it is melancholy at times to think about it.

***

After my mother-in-law's death, we had one month to clear out her apartment. Most of the job fell on my sister-in-law and her son. As I mentioned, I was sick with a respiratory virus starting on Christmas Day, and my son fell sick five days later. We were unable to help until mid-January, but then were able to pitch in. My MIL had a two-bedroom apartment with huge closets and many pieces of furniture with more storage, and we found paperwork and keepsakes from her parents and two of her aunts, as well as from one of her deceased brothers, one of her deceased sons, and belongings of every kind and clothing from her and her husband. We were somewhat surprised by how much stuff was packed into every available corner and drawer, as MIL was a practical person and I thought she would have gone through things years ago. But I guess she had trouble parting with the memories, and as one with similar sensibilities, I get it. I know she was very lonely the last few years, being the last of her family and with only one son of three still living, and he being in a nursing home with MS and dementia. The bright spot is that we found photos we never knew existed, and many items that I associate with my in-laws from our visits through the years. This is my favourite, and I brought him home as no one else wanted him. He was handmade by someone in the family and occupied many a grandchild through the years. One of his ears stands up while one lays down and somehow I just love him.

That is all for today. Hope you are having a good week. Let me know what you are up to, as I haven't been visiting blogs much, and some of you do not have blogs anyway and the only way I know what's happening in your lives is in your comments here. 

In Memory of Blogger Sue

Today I am mourning fellow blogger Sue from Elephant's Child. 

Our first contact was sometime prior to 2013, on a blog that has been dormant for many years. I was drawn into Sue's orbit by her thoughtful, supportive comments and became a regular visitor to her blog. She encouraged me to start my own blog and we began an email correspondence that has spanned the years since then.

I will remember Sue for her commitment to finding beauty in the everyday and in the smallest things. It is an outlook I have tried to take on in my own life.

I will remember Sue's empathy, encouragement, huge heart, and generosity.

I am inspired by and admire her courage in the face of her debilitating MS and her more recent cancer diagnosis.

In a recent post, Sue mentioned that she hoped to be remembered above all else for her work with Lifeline, a crisis support and suicide prevention service. She was a telephone volunteer and I am very sure that she was already remembered with gratitude by the people whose lives she helped to extend and save through her skilled and careful listening and intervention.

She will also be remembered by those of us who read of her annual walk for suicide prevention.

Sue made that walk this year, in September, just days before her health began its final descent.

I don't know if her family will ever read this post, but I will put a link to it on her final blogpost. I hope they know how Sue touched so many people around the world. I hope they also feel our support as they grieve the life of an amazing woman. To her partner, her brothers, and her in-laws, as well as her real-life friends, and her current furry companions, I send my deepest, heartfelt sympathy for their loss.

Rest easy now, dear friend.

You will live on in the hearts and minds of those who knew and loved you.

Update and Cat Memes

It's hard to believe that it's been two and a half months since I last posted. Life seems to go faster every week, like a runaway train with no one at the controls.

The job I was filling temporarily at work has been filled with a very capable person, so I am finally back to my regular work. I have committed to half-days on a permanent basis, and I am able to do those during the daytime until at least the end of the year. After that, we get into busy season and all offices are filled with other temporary workers. As I said before, being around other people has helped my mood a great deal, so  I'm hoping we can work out a way for me to continue on days at that point, even if it means I work in the kitchen or share an office with someone else! I don't want to go back to evenings, working all alone. 

Before that, I will be having surgery, probably in October. It is preventive surgery - complete removal of all baby-making equipment - and I'm thankful to have it. I had a surgical procedure in May which showed some pre-cancerous cells, so I hope this takes care of the issue.

I've also had bloodwork and some other medical tests due to fatigue, shortness of breath, and edema in my lower legs. After my husband's death I switched to a very low-meat diet. I was careful about protein intake but didn't realize I wasn't getting enough iron and Vitamin B12, so I'm taking some supplements on my doctor's advice and trying to eat a better diet. I am currently waiting for results of an echocardiogram and have a pulmonary function test coming up next week to see if my asthma is objectively worse. It hasn't felt worse until the last few weeks (which I assumed was either small amounts of wildfire smoke or autumn allergens) but it will be interesting to compare my results to the last time I had one.

While work is a distraction from the sadness and loneliness in my life, they hit me again when I go home every day. I've thought about adopting a cat, but I wouldn't do it until after my surgery because I have to stay in the hospital for a few days afterward. I do try to socialize as much as possible through my craft group, support groups for Alzheimers and caregivers, phone calls and occasional lunches out, but evenings, weekends and holidays are difficult.

My mother continues to be quite unhappy at the nursing home. And I continue to feel guilty and sorry for her. When I visit, her conversation is constantly about "going home" and it is impossible to distract her for more than a minute or two at a time. My brother and I are her guardians and we have reluctantly come to the conclusion that moving her, even if it's a better facility in some ways, would be hard on her at this point, as she is used to the staff and the layout of the facility now. And the question remains if she would even be any happier after the upheaval. So now I am focusing on how to enrich her life at her current facility. I would like to hire someone to "visit" her on a regular basis, but hardly know where to start. The hired aides I have seen, although admittedly I haven't seen many, don't seem to be what I'm looking for. And I dread the time and energy the hiring and vetting will take. But I need to get started.

It's almost fall here. The days are shorter and the nights are colder. We are nearly through hurricane season with no storms, thankfully. There is a major wildfire in western Nova Scotia that has been burning for one month. It is in a mostly wooded area - although 1000 people were displaced for a few weeks - and is now under control, but the province experienced a record drought this summer that contributed to its spread, and we are all hoping for some steady rains this fall to help extinguish it and fill wells, lakes and rivers across the province.

I've been collecting memes but not publishing them, so I have a backlog. That's not a bad thing, but I'm itching to share them. Let's have a look, shall we?

It's a cat theme today.

Wishing you a week of companionship, beauty and the little joys in life. And if you are facing difficult circumstances, as I know some of you are, you are in my thoughts and in my heart. 

Still Kicking & Canada Day

I thought this would be a good day to check in and let you all know I have not fallen off the side of the earth yet, despite my lack of posting that might indicate otherwise.

Today is July 1 - Canada Day - in my part of the world. This holiday takes on even more significance for Canadians in the current political climate. In the face of annexation threats and heavy tariffs against us by Trump & Co., Canadians have come together to stop buying American products as much as possible. Oh, and - against all odds - to elect another Liberal federal government because the Conservative party has turned into a mini-Trump party. Enough Canadians abhorred that scenario, thank goodness, and we have a steady hand on the country's tiller for now at least.

Meanwhile, I've gone back to working days to fill in for a co-worker who left to take another job. It was supposed to be for May only, but the new person hired for the position left after a week so I am still there. I am enjoying being around my co-workers again, instead of working in the evenings when I am usually alone, and the ability to help out at this busy time of year is satisfying. I'm also happy for the extra income, as both my washer and dryer have given up the ghost over the past two months. (Don't tell my stove, but it - the stove - is the last remaining appliance in the house from the original fridge-stove-washer-dryer we bought when we moved into our first house after getting married forty-five years ago. It doesn't hurt that it gets little use these days, but I'm sure the second it knows I can replace it then it will give a sigh of relief and slip away to a better place.)

Also, to update you on my mom, she is deeply unhappy at the nursing home and this troubles me. It is not a homey place and there is high staff turnover, and I agree with her assessment that it's not a home, it's just a place to "make do". She still longs to go back to her own house, where she had some illusion of independence and definitely had more privacy and peace and quiet. I am still looking for solutions, including a private care home forty minutes away from me. It is a risky move to consider. If it doesn't work out, I don't know what the alternatives are or how long it could take to implement them. I do know that I can't take on her care myself. It drove me to the brink, mentally, when I was responsible for her before. Her needs are greater now, and in order to look after her I would have to stop working. Work has been a great help in regaining and maintaining my mental health, and I don't want to lose that. Even when my current position is filled and I go back to evenings, I know now that I need something to do where I can interact with people most days. That may be volunteer work or it may be something else, but I am well aware that it can't be as caretaker for my mom, no matter how selfish that sounds or feels.

I've had some physical health challenges over the last six months, but I am trying to deal with them one by one. I'm also renewing my attempts to move more and eat less, which my job has also helped. I am not naturally a high-energy, "busy" person; even as a child my favourite activities weren't actually activities but very quiet pastimes that I enjoy to this day: reading, handcrafts, writing and thinking. It is difficult to integrate exercise into that framework, especially as I get older and creakier.

So that's the update on this warm, windy day in Donkey Land. I'm off to do some chores that will make life easier for future me. Laundry needs washing so it can air-dry (see above re dead dryer). Housework needs doing. I still have a boatload of stuff here from my mom's house to be cleaned and donated. There is no shortage of things to keep me busy.

Please enjoy some memes before you go.

And finally, for all my fellow vertically-challenged peeps out there:

***

That's it for now. Later, my friends.

 

AI in Blogland

First of all, I realize the title today is not crystal-clear, given the font in which my blog appears.

"AI" in this case = uppercase A (1st letter of the alphabet) followed by uppercase I (9th letter of the alphabet) and as many folks nowadays are aware, it stands for Artificial Intelligence.

It is not "A-One", as the new U.S. Secretary of Education and former wrestling promoter pronounced it repeatedly in a recent interview on AI in the classroom: 

It's not "Al", either - the shortened form of names such as "Alan" or "Alex" or "Allison", immortalized in "You can call me Al", Paul Simon's catchy tune from 1986:

And after that painfully long introduction, all I wanted to say was that I've started noticing what I suspect are AI-generated comments on this blog and others. (I delete them, which is why you don't see them here.)

They are perfectly pleasant comments, but do not contain an original thought. They are a neat summary of your blog post.

Have you noticed them too?

Capturing True Colour in Photos

Shortly after starting my blog in 2016, while taking pictures of some spring flowers, I noticed how hard it was to get some colours to show up in photos the way I see them in real life. Blue flowers are particularly hard to capture. Since then I've noticed that sunrises (but not sunsets) seem to photograph differently from what my eye sees, as well. The moon is difficult, too - without fail, a beautiful amber moon looks pale yellow in photos.

Now, some of this is undoubtedly my camera. It is a point and shoot digital camera and it is older than my blog. But when I was having trouble photographing the blue spring flowers, I remember searching the internet for an explanation. The best answer I could find was that there is no true blue in nature: our perception of it is determined by the physics of light.

Maybe that applies to other colours too. Recently I bought my mother a cardigan; it was a beautiful shade of deep pink that I hoped she would like, as she has definite preferences about the colour of her clothing. It was a thrift store buy, and had non-matching buttons which I wanted to replace. I thought the before and after photos of the sweater with its change of buttons might be interesting to compare and I might write about it. I've been having trouble finding a topic to blog about recently because I mostly just consume political news . . . but that's a post for another day, or not at all.

I did not use my digital camera to take these pictures (the battery needed charging), so the problem is not entirely the camera either. I used my tablet, which doesn't seem to take great photos overall, but colours are generally okay. But when I went to photograph the sweater, I realized the colour was off, and that became the focus of my photos.

Here is the before photo, with original buttons:

And here's the after photo with pale pink buttons:

But look how much the colour of the sweater has changed! I took both photos in the same location in front of a northerly window, so the only thing that was different was the time of day and hence the lighting. The second photo was taken about two hours after the first. (It didn't take me two hours to sew on five buttons, I just got distracted doing something else in the middle of the job.)

But the weirdest thing is that neither of these photos caught the true colour of the sweater. I went from place to place in my house trying to find a spot that would give me the photo I wanted. I tried different lighting and different angles. I didn't go outside in natural light because it was a miserably wet and cold day and I'm not that dedicated.

Finally, I was able to reproduce the colour as my eyes were seeing it. It's the colour in the shadowed region (left side) of the following shot:

The shadow was created by the tablet as I held it to take the photo.

I don't know why it was so hard to photograph this colour in a true-to-life way. Maybe one of you who has a better camera or more knowledge of colour theory or photography can help me with this question.

My mother liked the sweater very much, by the way, so I was relieved and happy that I was able to provide her a bit of enjoyment at a time when she doesn't seem to have much of that.

Have you noticed similar issues with your photos?

Have you ever replaced the buttons on clothing to make it look nicer?

Have you ever gotten distracted in the middle of one thing by something infinitely more interesting?

Have you been following politics recently?

Have a good weekend, my people. May you never EVER have a blog post with as many suggestions by auto-correct as I've had with this one - every time I've spelled "colour" it has been underlined with that annoying red squiggly line that demands I change it to "color" 😁

Good Things

On my last post, I said I'd write about the good things in my life, and here they are.

My family.

I have two adult children and three grandchildren, a brother, extended family, and in-laws. You may recall that my son moved home last year. He took over the yardwork and snow removal at both my house and my mother's house. He and my brother have been a tremendous help in getting Mom's house cleared out and cleaned up.  My brother lives three hours away but he came here several times to clean out the basement, remove furniture, and do repairs. My other family/in-laws are also an important part of my life. Some of them currently have, or did have, their own experiences with dementia in a loved one, and we support each other in that and many other ways.

My friends and neighbours.

 Almost all of the folks on my street have lived here for many years and our kids grew up together. Two of my neighbours have close relatives with dementia. It's one more thing we have in common. About a year ago, I also reconnected with a childhood friend. We have known each other since the day we started school. Although we have zig-zagged toward and away from each other for many years, our shared early history is now both a comfort and a source of identity as we age, and we get together regularly.

My Alzheimers Support Group (all dementia causes are included, not just Alzheimers).

The once-a-month meeting of dementia caregivers has become both a support and a pleasure in my life. The facilitator is excellent and we unite around the shared fact of our loved ones' dementias and our roles as caregivers. We have the opportunity to talk about "how things are this month", share ideas, strategies, sympathy, and encouragement, and laugh together too.

My work and my workmates.

I work part-time in a small office where my co-workers are, without exception, kind and supportive of one another. Although I usually work evenings, which means our work hours these days coincide only occasionally, sometimes I go to the office early, and now and then we have lunch as a group. The work itself is a way to get out of my head and I usually feel better on the days when I've had a few hours of productivity and mental challenge.

My blogland buddies.

That's YOU! I had no idea when I started reading blogs about twenty years ago how well I would come to know some bloggers and how positively my life would be impacted by people I have never met in person. This is a community of interesting, caring and multi-talented folks. I'm so glad to know you.

Other good things in my life . . .

... My son "shares" his two cats with me, to whatever extent I wish, and it is nice to have them around. 

... My mother's neighbours were very good to look out for her as she aged and her abilities declined. They often mowed and cleared snow before my son took over, kept an eye on her when she was outside, noticed if her lights were on or off at unusual times, and took the time to have a conversation with her even when she repeated things over and over. One in particular had experienced dementia in her family and understood Mom's behavior. 

... A comfortable home.

... Never going hungry.

*****

Before my husband's illness, I would have described myself as a happy person overall. Since then, I have struggled with grief, loneliness, endless worry, depression, and feeling overwhelmed. But I am starting to feel more like my old self. This post has turned into more than just an acknowledgement of the good things that balance the hard things I've been experiencing. It has re-opened my eyes to my good fortune in life, even with my losses and challenges.

One more good thing: Yesterday was the closing of the sale of our mother's house. The responsibilities connected with it are suddenly gone. I felt so light immediately on handing over the keys to the new owner. I know I've been stressed, especially the past month, but I'm surprised by how much lighter I feel.

How was your week? I hope there were happy things in it. 

Feels Like Forever -- and Yesterday

Hello, my friends. It's been five months since my last post. How can that be? How are you all?

This is my update.

My mother, who was admitted to a nursing home on May 31, has had a series of health issues, some caused by living in a group setting and some caused by age. Her cane was taken away because she was using it as a weapon to resist care. (She was given a walker instead.) She continues to pine for her home, and doesn't understand where she actually is now. She can articulate clearly that life as she is living it is only existing. Her ability to express that blew me away and also made me feel very sad for her. I try to listen, empathize, and distract her with other topics, but her constant requests to go home make visits hard. Far too often, I dread the visit so much I literally cannot make myself go. When I do not visit, I feel guilty. So I have a choice: dread or guilt. We have been working on selling her house over the past couple of months. We will not tell her, as it would cause her even more distress.

I lost both of my companion cats in September, in less than two weeks. Lucy, my calico, began having breathing problems. After one week of medication that should have helped, she was getting worse. It was awful to see her laboured breathing. I had to make the decision to have her euthanized. She was thirteen years old, loved on her own terms, and was such a stoic cat. Then, my beautiful all-grey diva cat Meredith, sixteen, who had had kidney disease for several years, deteriorated so much that I knew it was time to let her go too. 

The dread I had before each of their final visits to the vet was overwhelming. I knew the grief that would follow, and I didn't know how I could face it again. Grief is exhausting, and losses are cumulative in their effect. Every loss reminds me of the ones that preceded it. I went into hibernation for a month and a half after that. I did the least I could to get by. Gradually I started functioning better again.

My mother-in-law was very ill this fall too, with Covid and other things. She has recovered fairly well, although she has slowed down. She also states that she feels she has some memory loss since her illness. We hope she will gradually get back the abilities that she lost.

One of my favourite aunts, who lived on the other side of Canada, passed away in early December. She was receiving treatment for cancer for nine years. There were no more treatments for her doctors to try. She wrote to me weekly for more than a year after my husband's death. She had early dementia and I preferred writing back so she could re-read the letters, but I often put it off because of the things I was busy dealing with, and because I wanted to take the time to do it well. (Perfectionist tendencies are a bug, not a feature, and don't let anyone tell you differently.) I was able to call her before she deteriorated too much but it didn't make up for all the times I put it off.

Christmas and New Year's have come and gone. I was able to see my newest grandson, finally. He is seven months old now. They only live ninety minutes away, but there was one thing after another that kept me from getting there, including some of the above, plus work, heatwaves, vehicle troubles, snowstorms, and clearing out my mom's house. It was good to finally see them over the holidays.

The fourth anniversary of my husband's death has just passed. Like so many other major changes in life, it feels like both more and less time has gone by. I feel like I am doing better than I was. A neighbour who lost her husband in a tragic accident a couple of years prior to my husband's death told me that it took five years before she started feeling like herself again. I think this may not be an unusual timeline, perhaps especially for a partner or spouse.

My brother, son and I have been working at clearing out Mom's house prior to the closing of the sale. It has been a big job. I'm about to start cleaning it now. I haven't even cleaned my own house in ages because of all the other stuff happening - and also because I have been sad and stressed. It has been an education to me over the last few years how much energy it takes to deal with heavy feelings. 

Anyhow, that's my update. I haven't been in blogland very much even for reading, let alone commenting. I'm sorry for that. But I'm starting to feel more like getting back to it. 

How have you been? I hope 2025 treats you well. Tell me your hopes for the new year, if you'd like.

I'm hoping for my life to become more stable again. Fewer crises and difficult feelings would be good. Less of the feeling like a leaf in a flooded stream, being whisked downstream at frightening speed, going under from time to time.

Yes, floating slowly, able to absorb some of the good things in my life again - that's what I am hoping for. I think my next post should be about those good things. 

Weather, Mother, and Memes

 I completely forgot to include an update on Hurricane Debby in my last post.

Debby petered out after pounding the east coast of the United States. We had a couple of rainy and windy days here as the storm passed offshore, but it's the kind of summer weather we never would have thought twice about when I was growing up. So we were lucky with that one.

Now we have Ernesto, alternating between hurricane and tropical storm status, passing to the south of us. It had been expected to take a swipe at the outer edge of Newfoundland, but today it appears to have veered further offshore. I doubt we will notice any effects here at all.

Hurricane season in Nova Scotia officially runs from June 1 to November 30, with the most activity from mid August to October. So we are just getting started on that period now. Due to significant ocean warming, this season is forecast to be worse by far than previous years.

And yet, aside from the outliers like Fiona - whose wrath we felt in September, 2022 - our storms are nothing like those which hit the southern parts of the U.S. and places like Haiti and the Caribbean Islands. I feel like a wuss even talking about hurricanes that threaten us, considering the devastation other places experience.

Anyway . . . that's the update for now. I'm sure there will be more to come on this topic as the season progresses.

*****

And another update on my mother. Her neighbours visited her today, and reported to me that she was in good spirits - even singing! This was the first visit from anyone other than me, as they were holding off until she was more settled.

I told them I was glad to get a different perspective on her mood, and that she must save up all her complaints for me - which is natural and understandable. They said they saw the same thing with one of their relatives who had dementia - she only complained to her caregiver daughter. So that helps me feel better. And I'm glad she had company other than my sorry self!

*****

A handful of memes for you in case you need them today:

I identify all too strongly with this.

I hope the week goes well for you.

Miscellaneous Update and Other Things

So often I feel like I post about a topic and then completely forget to follow up with what happened next.

So, a few updates on recent posts:

- The Samoyed husky I was worried about disappeared from the front yard of its house two days after I made the complaint to the SPCA. It reappeared a day later, for one day only. Then not only did it disappear again, its leash and bowl that were always by the front door were gone as well. At the same time, I started seeing a Samoyed being walked in the nearby neighbourhood. I have never seen another dog of this breed in this area before. This new Samoyed has a haircut but looks about the same age. Is it the same dog? It's possible. Or the original might have been simply relegated to the back yard instead of the front yard. The back yard is completely enclosed with a high wooden fence, so I have no way of knowing by simply looking. I would need to follow up on my complaint to the SPCA, or stop my car and ask the dog walking people about the dog's history, neither of which I am keen to do because I am a spineless excuse for a person. And I can't take any more stress right now. If the dog is still with the original family  and has been in the breeze-less back yard during our several severe heat waves, I don't think I can handle knowing that. I prefer to cover my eyes and ears and hope he is living his best life with a different family now. Maybe some day soon I will gather up my courage and try to find out. Not today. Not yet.

- As I just said, we have had a couple more heat waves. Man, I detest looking up the weather forecast and seeing that blazing red banner across the screen that warns us of impending hot and humid weather! I can't function in the heat/humidity, so the gardening goes undone, even household chores go undone, while I huddle in my house or scurry to the air-conditioned grocery store and back for necessities. The nights are starting to feel fall-ish now and it feels like I have wasted summer.

- My mother is still unhappy at the nursing home. Every second sentence in her conversation is a variation on the theme of "going home". However, I have a new perspective on that which is helping me cope with my guilt that I placed her there. At an Alzheimers support group meeting, the facilitator mused that from everything I'd told them it seemed like my mother wasn't a very happy person. It took me by surprise, because (1) I'd never thought about it that way before, and (2) if I had been asked, I'd have said she seemed like . . . well, not a happy person, but a contented person . . . and I realize now that she was only contented as long as she was doing what she wanted, when she wanted, with the people she wanted . . . and that is not the same as being a happy person, is it? It blew my mind a little. At heart, my mom is not a happy or cheerful person. She would not be happy if the nursing home accommodations were absolutely opulent. She would not be happy if she was living with me, either. When she had to stay with me during storms or power outages, she became restless and wanted to go home after a few hours. What she does want is to be at her own home, doing what she wants, when she wants, etc., but because of the dementia she can't understand how she was only able to do that due to the scaffolding of assistance being provided to her (by me). So, there is not the happy ending I hoped for (including her enjoying opportunities to socialize). But the guilt I feel is getting lighter.

- More shooting stars!! The Perseid Showers just took place last week, and I went out a couple of nights to watch. I didn't lie  down, so it was hard on the neck, but in the brief time I watched, I got to see three more meteors blaze out - nice bright ones. I enjoyed those moments, but I equally enjoyed just looking at the stars in the night sky and thinking about our miraculous orb in the vast universe. It gives me such a sense of wonder and awe and peace.

*****

In the "Other Things" category, I seem to be coming across weird things in the news lately. Like this piece about sharks testing positive for cocaine in Brazil. Aren't sharks highstrung enough without drugs in their systems??

And I stumbled across this poem by Sara Teasdale recently. She wrote it during WWI, but it feels as timely today as it must have done then. I've had the tab open in my browser for over a week, waiting to post about it, and even seeing the tab showing the first line of the poem brings me a sense of calm and hope, despite the state of the world. I wish I had written anything so beautiful in my own life, and will continue to try. Here is the original version referred to in the Wikipedia article at the link:

"There Will Come Soft Rains"

     - Sara Teasdale

There will come soft rains and the smell of the ground,
And swallows calling with their shimmering sound;

And frogs in the pools singing at night,
And wild plum-trees in tremulous white;

Robins will wear their feathery fire
Whistling their whims on a low fence-wire;

And not one will know of the war, not one
Will care at last when it is done.

Not one would mind, neither bird nor tree
If mankind perished utterly;

And Spring herself, when she woke at dawn,
Would scarcely know that we were gone.

*****

I wish you soft rains, and the smell of the ground, and all comforting things this week, especially if you are having a difficult time, whether it's from anxiety, or stress, or ill health, or loss. 

 

Something Good from Something Bad

You may live in North America, or you may read blogs written by North American bloggers, or you may follow weather around the world. Whatever the case, many of you have probably heard about Hurricane-turned-Tropical Storm Debby which is moving up the eastern side of the United States as I write this. 

The most dangerous feature of this particular storm is the amount of rainfall it is carrying. It is moving slowly, so the rain is causing flooding in many places. There has also been at least one tornado and there has been loss of life.

Amidst the worry and the danger and the destruction, here is something I hope will cheer you. It's a story of the good that is in people. I believe there is so much good in most people and often they just need an outlet for it.

If you don't have a Facebook account I think you can still access this reel just to watch it. Unfortunately I haven't been able to locate it on YouTube or any other format except Facebook. I hope you can view it.

Click HERE.

Footnote: Debby was headed for Nova Scotia, set to arrive on Sunday, but the latest projection shows it going through New Brunswick and Quebec instead. The path could change again. Storms will do what storms will do.

If you are in the path of the storm or have suffered damage or loss of any kind from it, my heart goes out to you and I hope you are safe.

Wildlife

It is common to see poor, squashed animals on the scenic roads of our fair province in most months of the year, with an uptick in summer. Raccoons, skunks, porcupines, squirrels, birds, and even deer are, sadly, casualties of traffic on our highways and even within town limits.

I have driven into a bird (once that I know of) and over a skunk (but he wasn't on the road when I went back immediately to look, so he may have avoided my wheels). I have also narrowly missed squirrels, deer, and mice.

Recently my mental list of possible victims I need to watch for when driving has increased.

While driving across a causeway a few weeks ago, I noticed a large turtle at the edge of the road, pointed toward the other side. I did not stop to assist him to cross safely for several reasons including that it is illegal to stop on that causeway, there was heavy traffic, and I was late for an appointment. Also I was wary of being bitten. But I looked for evidence of death, or escape from death, on my return trip, and was relieved that there was no body in sight.

Last week when driving through a rural area, something caught my eye on the opposite side of the road. It was a frog, hopping mightily . . . but also mighty slowly, or it seemed that way to me as I stood on the brakes and hoped for the best. I think I missed him because, again, there was no body on my return trip. I hope he lived to hop another day.

I also had a close call with a small bird not long ago. I can't be sure I didn't send him to heaven, but I didn't check because I would have had to drive twenty minutes out of my way to get back on that highway exit to take a look, and if he was injured/almost dead, what the heck would I even do? Run over him again, just to be sure??

I must stress I was not speeding and I was paying full attention to the road and the sides of the road. These are all just random encounters at random times. It's making me want to give up driving, though. 

I was going to tell you about the deer whose leg was broken in a collision with a car and who came and laid under the bush beside our front door, and who was dispatched by a Department of Natural Resources bullet beside our front door - but that seems like a bridge too far. Nobody wants to hear a story like that.

Okay, this post is swerving wildly between happy endings and horrible ones, and now that I've unloaded all of that on you, I think you deserve some happier wildlife stuff to cleanse your mind.

 

Skunks will do that to you.

And because cats are sort of wildlife, I give you these:

That's all for today, folks. Hope you're having a good one :)

Three Itsy Bitsy Miracles. Maybe Four.

The oppressive heat and humidity have finally broken - for now, anyway - and life seems bearable again.

Three weeks of daytime highs in the mid 30s C (90s F) and the humidity making it feel like high 30s (over 100F), with the humidity continuing overnight and making it hard to cool the house naturally, and, well, I wasn't doing much beyond surviving.

I realize those temperatures sound very tolerable to folks living in southern USA, Australia, or southern Asia, but I am prone to overheating and fainting when it gets that hot. It was that way even before I gained weight. I can remember "laying out" in the sun to get a tan when I was 17 years old and 90 pounds soaking wet, before we knew about skin cancer, and after fifteen or twenty minutes I had had enough. As I got up to go inside the house, I became very dizzy and my vision went dim. I didn't black out, but it was close. I have also been close to fainting at work after just walking from the car to the office. If I had not lain down on the dusty floor in my office clothes with a cold wet towel on my head, I'd have been a goner. (I say this as someone who has fainted on other occasions. I know the progression, and this was a close one.)

As my husband used to tease me, I am clearly "a delicate flower".

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.  

Thank you for all your comments on my last post. I needed very much to vent, and you all kindly listened/read and I appreciate it.

But just to prove that I am more than my constant complaining would suggest, I have three things to tell you - little tiny uplifting miracles on days when I felt that one more glitch would send me over the edge. The first two happened when I was still hands-on caregiver to my mom, and my stress level was constantly off the charts. The third was a few days ago. To be honest, many days I still feel like one more "thing" will exceed my ability to cope. I think I am still in burnout, but I'm hoping time will help.

The caregiver brain. I can attest this is very accurate. I have experienced everything here, to some degree or another, except the baby locks, bed sores, incontinence, and changing adult diapers. And I wasn't even a live-in caregiver, as many caregivers are. Did you know that being a caregiver puts you at higher risk of death? The National Institute of Health in the United States says the risk is 63% higher. (Link HERE.)

But I've gotten off the track, into the weeds. Again.

Here goes.

Miracle One:

Way back in winter, on a very cold evening, I was on my way to my mother's and stopped to pick up a few groceries for her. When I returned to my vehicle, it wouldn't start. I sat and thought about what to do. Time was ticking, and I had to get to my mom's place fairly quickly, and then go to work. I still have two vehicles, my late husband's SUV, which I was driving, and my own car, which was at home. I checked with the store manager to make sure I could leave the SUV there overnight. Then I called a taxi to take me home to get my car, and sat in the SUV to wait. I looked out the side window and - boom! - caught the fall of a bright meteor in the sky. I like to watch the Perseids meteor shower each August and have seen a fair number of them, but this was far bigger and brighter than any I have seen. If I hadn't been there at that moment, with nothing to do but look out the window at the sky, I would never have witnessed it.

Side note: Shortly before that, I had read that if a meteor gets brighter and larger it means it's coming straight toward you, which is not really a good thing. This meteor did not do that, thankfully. But you can bet that micro-thought crossed my mind as soon as it registered how bright this one was.

Miracle Two:

I dropped an earring in my kitchen one evening and absolutely could not find it. I checked the floor over and over. I looked under the appliances with a flashlight (lots of dust but no earring), and then dusted under the appliances because I couldn't un-see the dust. I checked the countertop in case the earring, being small, had somehow defied gravity and leaped sideways as it fell. I checked the top of my sneaker in case it had bounced back up and was tangled in my laces. No luck.

Then I tried a trick I read about when I was a kid: drop another thing just like the first thing, and watch it carefully to see where it lands. Believe it or not, this often works. I've found needles and pins and other tiny things using this method.

However, this time it failed me. The second earring just ker-plunked beside my foot.

I sat down (because it's easier to think when I don't have to stand up at the same time. Don't judge me.). I couldn't believe that the earring could just disappear into thin air, so I got up to check the floor again. Still nothing. Quelle surprise. Yes, I know the definition of insanity - doing the same thing repeatedly, expecting a different result. But what would you have done if you were me?

Finally, finally, it occurred to me to check the bottom of my sneaker . . . and there was the missing earring, stuck in the tread, which was so deep the earring had no affect on my walking and didn't clickety-click on the floor, either of which would have alerted me to its presence. 

Miracle Three:

My basement is very full of things I have not yet parted with after moving into one level of my home while my son lives in the upper level. There are dozens of cardboard boxes and a box spring and mattress in one area of the basement, where coincidentally I've had a dehumidifier running since June. It is the kind that has a container which must be emptied when full. There is a sensor suspended just inside the lip of the container that shuts off the dehumidifier when it needs to be emptied.

Somehow, some dang way, something didn't work, and the container overflowed. I didn't notice right away, not until I spotted a soggy cardboard box about six feet away from the dehumidifier. With a heavy heart I started cleanup.

People, the pool of water stopped right before it reached the edge of the mattress. A half hour of work took care of the mess. None of the contents of the boxes were ruined, even though they contained old photo albums, paperwork, and books. I could hardly believe my good luck.

***

And now for one more minor miracle, this one for you: we have almost got to the end of this post!

Except for a few funnies which I hope is a somewhat acceptable exchange for your patience in reading my extremely detailed descriptions of the other three miracles.

That's a wrap. Almost.

I hope your week is going fricking fine, my friends 😁

Tell me how you're doing in the comments if you wish. I'm a-waiting.