It's hard to believe that it's been two and a half months since I last posted. Life seems to go faster every week, like a runaway train with no one at the controls.
The job I was filling temporarily at work has been filled with a very capable person, so I am finally back to my regular work. I have committed to half-days on a permanent basis, and I am able to do those during the daytime until at least the end of the year. After that, we get into busy season and all offices are filled with other temporary workers. As I said before, being around other people has helped my mood a great deal, so I'm hoping we can work out a way for me to continue on days at that point, even if it means I work in the kitchen or share an office with someone else! I don't want to go back to evenings, working all alone.
Before that, I will be having surgery, probably in October. It is preventive surgery - complete removal of all baby-making equipment - and I'm thankful to have it. I had a surgical procedure in May which showed some pre-cancerous cells, so I hope this takes care of the issue.
I've also had bloodwork and some other medical tests due to fatigue, shortness of breath, and edema in my lower legs. After my husband's death I switched to a very low-meat diet. I was careful about protein intake but didn't realize I wasn't getting enough iron and Vitamin B12, so I'm taking some supplements on my doctor's advice and trying to eat a better diet. I am currently waiting for results of an echocardiogram and have a pulmonary function test coming up next week to see if my asthma is objectively worse. It hasn't felt worse until the last few weeks (which I assumed was either small amounts of wildfire smoke or autumn allergens) but it will be interesting to compare my results to the last time I had one.
While work is a distraction from the sadness and loneliness in my life, they hit me again when I go home every day. I've thought about adopting a cat, but I wouldn't do it until after my surgery because I have to stay in the hospital for a few days afterward. I do try to socialize as much as possible through my craft group, support groups for Alzheimers and caregivers, phone calls and occasional lunches out, but evenings, weekends and holidays are difficult.
My mother continues to be quite unhappy at the nursing home. And I continue to feel guilty and sorry for her. When I visit, her conversation is constantly about "going home" and it is impossible to distract her for more than a minute or two at a time. My brother and I are her guardians and we have reluctantly come to the conclusion that moving her, even if it's a better facility in some ways, would be hard on her at this point, as she is used to the staff and the layout of the facility now. And the question remains if she would even be any happier after the upheaval. So now I am focusing on how to enrich her life at her current facility. I would like to hire someone to "visit" her on a regular basis, but hardly know where to start. The hired aides I have seen, although admittedly I haven't seen many, don't seem to be what I'm looking for. And I dread the time and energy the hiring and vetting will take. But I need to get started.
It's almost fall here. The days are shorter and the nights are colder. We are nearly through hurricane season with no storms, thankfully. There is a major wildfire in western Nova Scotia that has been burning for one month. It is in a mostly wooded area - although 1000 people were displaced for a few weeks - and is now under control, but the province experienced a record drought this summer that contributed to its spread, and we are all hoping for some steady rains this fall to help extinguish it and fill wells, lakes and rivers across the province.
I've been collecting memes but not publishing them, so I have a backlog. That's not a bad thing, but I'm itching to share them. Let's have a look, shall we?
It's a cat theme today.
Good to hear from you again. It has been an eventful summer. My lower legs swelled up also, severely enough that I was hospitalized for two weeks in July, and still have follow up appointments at a urologist who is more than two hours drive away.
ReplyDeleteWe have a fire here also, though not close enough to endanger us, still close enough to impact the air quality.
Glad your work is helping your mood. I have used jobs to distract from life issues at times, though I found that it can be taken too far.
Cats, also, can be helpful, when they are not absolutely wrecking things. Or maybe that's just our cat. All in all, he makes our life better, even if I have to get up and let him in a few times at night.
I hope things improve for your mom, however that might happen, just remember you are doing a lot for her, and many, many older folks don't have anyone to do that.
-Doug in Sugar Pine
That's a worry about your legs - and sitting for two hours to get to an appointment can't be good for them. Good luck; I hope everything is under control soon.
DeleteI don't feel like I'm doing much for Mom now. I'm only visiting once a week; more than that seems to make her more focused on getting home. She has no interests and a very short attention span (except about getting home!) Maybe there is just no solution to her unhappiness. If I could know that for sure it would help the guilt, I think.
Your cat sounds like a handful, or in other words, a typical cat!
I had the same pre-cancerous cells followed by removal of the baby making equipment, but apparently the ovaries were "clean" so they left those along with my appendix which was also clean, but the lesions were widespread so everything else in there got sliced. That was 30+ years ago now and I have been "clean" ever since. I did haemorrhage a LOT, had two full transfusions and died on the table (twice) but here I am still and now 73. I would advise not getting a cat at least until all stitches have heal as bending and lifting will be restricted for a few weeks.
ReplyDeleteI also advise NOT moving your Mum, she is used to where she is and as time goes she might become more easy with her situation with people and routines that she knows well.
I hope you're right about Mom although I thought she'd be settled by now if she was ever going to be - it's been fifteen months now since she went there.
DeleteGood heavens, River - your experience with this surgery sounds scary, although the results were good eventually.
The cat funnies are so cute. You mentioned hiring someone to visit your mom once a week. I did that for free for 8 years as a volunteer visitor at a retirement home. Do they have a volunteer center in your town where you could find someone>
ReplyDeleteNot that I'm aware of, and it's a small town. It will have to be a very special person to want to deal with all the challenges Mom presents. Or maybe I'm being too pessimistic. And maybe someone who is not her daughter would get a better reception :) Bless you for your volunteer work. So many elderly are lonely and could use the company.
DeleteLife is often difficult, until it isn't. Hoping for the best outcomes for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks, DB. That's an interesting sentence you led with. I don't tend to think that things might get better eventually, and I really should keep a more open mind about that.
DeleteI do hope your work gets to continue as it is and your surgery goes well.
ReplyDeleteNo matter where your mother is, she won't be very happy, I know it's hard on you.
You are in my heart and I thank you for tickling my funny bone.
Thank you, Mimi. And I'm glad you liked the memes.
DeleteI hope and pray that you're able to keep your daytime job. Hard times still ahead, hand in there and THANKS for the update, I think of you often.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Charlotte, I appreciate your thoughts.
DeleteLife just goes on, doesn't it....
ReplyDeleteNo, don't move your mum.... And all the best with your op....and before you think of a cat, however nice it is being a cat servant...get your allergens identified....just in case cat is one 😞.
Thanks for the cat funnies...we need them !!!!
My asthma triggers are smoke and dust, as far as I know, but it couldn't hurt to be tested for cat dander, thanks for mentioning that. Glad you liked the memes :)
DeleteIt’s always a pure pleasure to read from you dear Jenny 🥰
ReplyDeleteI love how you are trying to focus on bright things intentionally ,I really admire your strength and dedication to get rid of heaviness of moments by putting yourself in better environments and situations. This is great 👍♥️
I am positive and hopeful that one day you will be so much comfort with yourself during such alone times as well,comfortable enough to enjoy them too 🤗
Because you have entered in effort zone and continued practice will be rewarded sooner or later as it’s proven reality!
I am sorry about your health issues. I know two women who went through this kind of surgery in very young age. I hope you will be fine with some rest 🙏♥️
I really wish you can find some suitable person who can visit your mom regularly dear Jenny!
I enjoyed the memes 🤗👍 thanks for smiles 🥰🙏
Health,peace and happiness to you and yours 🙏♥️
Thanks, baili - I appreciate your thoughts! Glad you smiled at the memes :)
DeleteSorry to hear your mother is not settling in well at the nursing home. That type of situation is always difficult for relatives to cope with. Please do not feel guilty. If matters had reached the point where you could no longer take care of her by yourself, that's just an unavoidable reality. Ultimately it wouldn't have done her any good for you to drive yourself mad trying to handle an impossible burden.
ReplyDeleteVitamin B12 deficiency is a known problem for those of us who avoid eating animal products. It's the only essential nutrient that can't be supplied by any plant-based source, Fortunately the lack is easily made up by supplements.
Glad to hear that being around other people at work has helped your mood. Maybe you'll meet someone there who would be interested in being friends outside of work, though in my experience that's rare.
That surgery sounds massive. I hope you'll be prepared for a substantial recovery period and have some help for it.
I don't even know how to judge if the surgery is major or not. For some things I like to know everything ahead of time but for others (like this) I prefer to remain pleasantly in the dark :) The obgyn didn't seem too concerned, but come to think of it he did ask me if being off work would be a problem. Which it won't, thankfully.
DeleteSo what are a few of your favourite vegan or vegetarian meals? I've taken up eating more meat again, because a lot of the non-meat options bother my IBS. But I'm always interested to hear what other people eat in place of meat in case I find some good alternatives that work for me.
I don't cook, so I have to keep things simple or pre-prepared. I eat a lot of canned vegetables, fruit, nuts, things like that. You can get pretty good vegan frozen meals (Indian), and I regularly go out to the local Thai place for curry with vegetables and tofu, though that's a bit pricey. Luckily for me I tolerate most kinds of food pretty well. And I'm not absolutely religiously avoiding meat, I just avoid it as much as I can for health reasons. I've actually noticed more benefit from cutting out cheese than meat.
DeleteI hope the surgery goes well. I agree with you about not wanting to know too much detail about what they're doing. That kind of thing gives me the creeps if I think about it too much.
Tofu is something I've only had once in my life, cooked by me (who knew nothing about how to do it) - I really should try again now that I know more. Thanks for that idea. I don't know if I could cut out cheese. You have more willpower than I do :)
DeleteWell, I do know it's been that long because I kept looking to see if I had missed anything. The uterus is the size of a small avocado and for such a tiny thing it does cause a lot of trouble. Good riddance. As soon as someone says the C word it shakes you up a bit doesn't it. Remember this is only cells that could potentially become cancerous, they are not currently cancer and when they are gone, they are gone and you will never have to worry about them again. Is your son still living with you? Evenings on your own can seem long. A pet or two would be nice after you have recovered. My sister just got two adorable kittens, she has always adopted adult cats before but apart from litter box training they have been tremendous fun for her. If there are one or two nice nurses at the facility see if they can recommend someone for your Mum. They will have a very good idea who is good and who is not. Dad turns 100 on Oct 11th. He is very demanding. For some reason he wants to have his breakfast served first (because he is the most important person in the place, eye roll) so he shuffles down to the dining room at the crack of dawn and pesters the poor kitchen staff. Then he falls asleep at the table and misses his wash and brush up. I need to speak to the staff about it because he looks a mess. What fun har, har.... So, as always, be good to yourself. I went and had a hair cut, pedicure and facial before my op and when I had my stitches out I had a massage. I deserved it and so do you! Much love, Sue. PS No manicure, the hospital doesn't like it but I so enjoyed looking down the bed at my ruby red toes.
ReplyDeleteThe comment about your father and his breakfast made me smile! Mom eats at the crack of dawn as well, usually by herself, according to the staff there. As long as they eat, that's the important thing. Will there be a big do for your Dad or is he better with much smaller groups? One hundred years old is a big deal!
DeleteI would love to get a kitten but I'm afraid it might outlive me. And I have a special place in my heart for old cats. I can imagine how much fun your sister is having, though. We had two kittens once, and they were so entertaining!
Darling Donkey, I'm so happy to see you! I love the cat memes, but I don't love you being sad and lonely. Having a kitty might ease some of the unhappiness. Princess and I have long conversations. Petting her makes both of us happy. I hope you'll be able to continue working during the day. Working alone during the evening would not be fun. I hope the surgery goes well. I've had the same surgery. I needed a solid week of recovery time after I was released from the hospital.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
Good to hear from you. Wishing you the best of luck through the surgery.
ReplyDeleteAs for Mom, based on the many years you have written things about her, you have to ask yourself if she has ever been happy. Period. Perhaps the complaining is not about living arrangements, but who she is. An unhappy person. You and your brother are doing the best you can. Don't beat yourself up about this situation. I know...easier said than done. But you folks are not responsible for her happiness. You have made sure she is safe, fed and looked after; that is all you can do at this point. You need to take care of yourself and not allow her complaining to increase your own sadness/depression.
Finally, thanks for the funny memes. I never think to look for things like that. Must admit, I'm a dog person. Though cats seem to love me, my body does not like them. I am highly allergic to cat dander/fur! Eyes swell shut, hives abound elsewhere and breathing becomes impaired, so, yeah, no cats here. But I can appreciate their funny "independent" ways. Ha!
Take care!
Hi Jenny, first of all, I wish you good health and a good outcome for the surgery. I am a huge cat lover and enjoyed this post and photos very much! Poor cat who broke her basket needs a larger bed! :) Mark Parisi's cartoons always make me laugh, and this one on the cat graduation is hysterical!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the smiles, I really appreciate it.
Warm greetings from a retired lady living in Montreal, Canada.