A month ago, I was in the middle of a crisis. Not the kind that comes on suddenly, but the kind that results from a steady building of pressures, especially when many of them are out of a person's control.
I had work deadlines looming. I was dealing with several issues related to my mom. I was preparing for a family visit. I was trying to arrange to dispose of my second vehicle before a deadline came due. I was trying to figure out who to call about several issues that need taking care of around the house. I was trying to make financial and legal decisions stemming from my husband's death.
I was becoming so overwhelmed by the things that had to be done that I became incapable of doing anything unless it was an actual crisis. It felt like my brain had frozen up -- like a computer hung up because too many programs are running for its capacity.
It was a scary feeling, one I've never had before, even during times of high stress. Even though I recognized what was happening, I couldn't find a way to change it.
The thing that finally saved me was that I had questions about my work which needed answered, and that meant I had to go into the office instead of working from home. Once I was there, I was able to concentrate just on working, and it gave my brain a rest from the loop it had been in.
I realized I felt more relaxed than I had been for weeks. I had re-discovered the power of work to get me out of my own head. I had discovered this right after my husband's death but it had slipped my mind again when my workload became less pressing.
The strange thing about this is that I would never have predicted it would happen to me. Work was always something that seemed like an additional stress, not a way to reduce stress.
And now I think I understand better my husband's laser-like focus on working throughout his illness, right up until a few weeks before he died.
Work was a way for him to feel like his life still had some normalcy in it, instead of being completely consumed by illness, medication, and appointments.
Sometimes I felt shut out by his dedication to work. It felt like we had such limited time that we should be spending some of it together -- doing what, I don't know. There was nothing left unsaid, no visiting that we could do as it was during the shutdown portion of the pandemic, and he was not a person inclined to dramatic gestures. He wanted life to be the same as it had always been, and I understood that and tried to help make it happen, even as I realized more and more that life as we knew it was coming to an end.
It comforts me a little to realize that work is now doing for me what it did for him then. It feels like a new link to him and to our lives together, when so many connections have been broken. And I think he would approve.
Life goes on.
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| A fawn sleeping in our back yard last summer. |
26 comments:
HUGE hugs. And recognition. Much love oh sister across the seas.
It sounds like work has the power to heal the spirit! It is good you found something which helped on several levels!
I once had the pleasure of seeing Oliver Sacks speak in San Francisco, and the thing I remember the most about it was his answer to an audience question, which was whether he subscribed to the Rogerian or Freudian schools of psychoanalysis.
His answer was that as a neurologist, he had no business subscribing to any school of psychoanalysis, but that one thing he did know was that there were only two ways to maintain or repair a human psyche: work and love.
Hope that you are otherwise well.
-Doug in Sugar Pine
I'm pleased you still refer to it as 'our back yard'.
There may well be a lesson for people with what you are saying about how going to the office helped you. As the battle here goes on between those who want to work from home and bosses who want workers to return to their offices, it is a factor some should have a good think about.
What a darling fawn visitor you had, and there is a certain peace in finding that focusing on work had the same good effect on you and on your husband, for him during his last weeks and for you, going on with life. God bless you.
It's good that you have discovered something that from time to time will get you away from problems for a while. Hopefully you will be able to come back and get some things done.
Elephant's Child: Thank you, sister of my heart. For everything.
Marie: I was surprised, and very relieved :)
Doug: I think Mr. Sacks was absolutely right, speaking from my experiences anyway. How lucky you got to hear him speak! I would enjoy that. On another note, how are you doing in Sugar Pine with the fires in your vicinity? I haven't seen any updates in the news since last week, so I'm hoping things are somewhat better.
Andrew: Everything will always feel like "ours". I have to make a conscious effort to say "my" and maybe it's not a big deal if I fail. You make a good extension of the thought I was describing. I hadn't really thought about how other people might find it helpful to work from the office. Of course, I don't have much travel time, whereas folks with a long commute might be more conflicted.
Terra: "A certain peace" - yes, you said it well. Thank you.
Red: It seems so obvious in hindsight, but at the time I couldn't figure out how to break the cycle of useless thinking. I'm glad circumstances forced me toward the solution.
What an eloquent and beautiful post. Your inner problem solver found a path out of that place. Good for you. Ad a friend of mine dealing with terrible financial stresses years said "I can't obsess about two things at once so I'm going to pick one part of the mess and plunge into that!"
And you had so little space to grieve your loss.
I can understand how you can relate to your husband's needs and be grateful for them. Very insightful on your part and another dose of wisdom you can share with those who need it. As we age, if we are thoughtful, we take all these experiences and become wise elders. An essential role in our chaotic world. Love xxxx
I see this as your husband still watching over you and showing you the way. Your connection is as strong as it ever was.
Going to work meant you were able to separate that off from the whole and deal with it.
I have been through that sort of overwhelming situation..one can almost not breathe.
Dividing each problem up and focussing on it and getting rid, one by one helped.
Bug hugs...((0)) ..you will get through it all xx
Boud: I think it was just good luck that saved me, to be honest. And I knew that I should just tackle one thing at a time but it seemed to be beyond me to pick one thing. My approaching work deadline was the thing that forced me into choosing.
Susan: I don't feel very wise. I wish I did.
River: I am realizing that I carry the connections within my heart and mind, but it's still a wrench when I am taking care of paperwork or legal matters that highlight my husband's death.
gz: Yes - I felt like I was smothering under the avalanche of things to do. Having a deadline was a fortunate thing; it made me choose. I knew I should be doing one small thing at a time, but there were so many big things that needed done.
I am glad you are in a better place, jenny_o. Please continue to take care of yourself and we are here for you when you need us.
Mr. Shife: Thanks, and you do the same :)
I'm glad you found comfort, and an understanding connection to your memories. Hoping things will soon become less overwhelming for you. :-)
It's good to know you are finding your way in all this.
We have a fawn and mom hanging out around our house this year. They were in the front yard last night. I thought they were going to spend the night but were gone a few hours later.
Hello precious friend JENNY I missed reading you during all the businesses I had in last two months.
It is heartwarming read. Reading about your li, relationships and other issues is always like stepping in to in world that is so normal yet unique with such insightful attitude you have to go through all this.
Learning that work has started to prove that same "magic" for you as it has been for your husband leaves me with peace.
We have a saying here very famous one
"work is a best entertainment"
I agree with it completely. I witnessed how my mom had found solace in businesses and I think it came to me from her that I never wanted to stop in my life until now. I create hobbies to fill the space in my routine space that can drag me in if I let it be around just like passengers are dragged out when door of an aeroplane is opened during flight.
Life is all about how we let our brain to play with us. Once it's wild energy is composed and directed to one target at a time it is our best buddy.
I am glad you are open to" healing ' process now my lovely friend!
Hugs and blessings!
Diane: At the moment, things are so much better than they were. Working at the office location is keeping me balanced.
Mimi: Muddling through :)
Mike: They must feel comfortable there. The moms know where the quietest, safest spots are, generally.
baili: It must be a universal truth that work is beneficial! I feel a bit stupid only finding it out now. Maybe I just never had enough worries before, and therefore didn't need the balm of work to help me through. Hugs, my friend :)
What a beautiful fawn! Yes, work can definitely help us focus through hard times. I personally prefer going in to an office as opposed to working from home -- being at home feels too much like doing nothing, even if I AM trying to work.
Steve: I think all fawns are beautiful - all baby animals, in fact - so perfect. I liked working from home in the winter and when Covid was at higher levels, but now I've realized how much I need the separation from home to keep my brain in line :) Also, I get social interaction at work and that's very welcome.
As the old saying goes "The Devil makes work for idle hands". There's some truth in that. I can understand why your husband wanted to focus on his work, I can also understand why you wanted to do other things too as you knew time was precious. He was doing what was helping him cope and now it seems you are too. :)
Joey: That's it in a nutshell. I wish I had your gift for condensing thoughts into such a small space! That's a gift I don't have.
Someone once said, "It's WORRY that hurts the most, not WORK!" After reading this, I tend to agree.
So glad you found a tiny bit of respite!
Diane: Wise words :)
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