Good Things

On my last post, I said I'd write about the good things in my life, and here they are.

My family.

I have two adult children and three grandchildren, a brother, extended family, and in-laws. You may recall that my son moved home last year. He took over the yardwork and snow removal at both my house and my mother's house. He and my brother have been a tremendous help in getting Mom's house cleared out and cleaned up.  My brother lives three hours away but he came here several times to clean out the basement, remove furniture, and do repairs. My other family/in-laws are also an important part of my life. Some of them currently have, or did have, their own experiences with dementia in a loved one, and we support each other in that and many other ways.

My friends and neighbours.

 Almost all of the folks on my street have lived here for many years and our kids grew up together. Two of my neighbours have close relatives with dementia. It's one more thing we have in common. About a year ago, I also reconnected with a childhood friend. We have known each other since the day we started school. Although we have zig-zagged toward and away from each other for many years, our shared early history is now both a comfort and a source of identity as we age, and we get together regularly.

My Alzheimers Support Group (all dementia causes are included, not just Alzheimers).

The once-a-month meeting of dementia caregivers has become both a support and a pleasure in my life. The facilitator is excellent and we unite around the shared fact of our loved ones' dementias and our roles as caregivers. We have the opportunity to talk about "how things are this month", share ideas, strategies, sympathy, and encouragement, and laugh together too.

My work and my workmates.

I work part-time in a small office where my co-workers are, without exception, kind and supportive of one another. Although I usually work evenings, which means our work hours these days coincide only occasionally, sometimes I go to the office early, and now and then we have lunch as a group. The work itself is a way to get out of my head and I usually feel better on the days when I've had a few hours of productivity and mental challenge.

My blogland buddies.

That's YOU! I had no idea when I started reading blogs about twenty years ago how well I would come to know some bloggers and how positively my life would be impacted by people I have never met in person. This is a community of interesting, caring and multi-talented folks. I'm so glad to know you.

Other good things in my life . . .

... My son "shares" his two cats with me, to whatever extent I wish, and it is nice to have them around. 

... My mother's neighbours were very good to look out for her as she aged and her abilities declined. They often mowed and cleared snow before my son took over, kept an eye on her when she was outside, noticed if her lights were on or off at unusual times, and took the time to have a conversation with her even when she repeated things over and over. One in particular had experienced dementia in her family and understood Mom's behavior. 

... A comfortable home.

... Never going hungry.

*****

Before my husband's illness, I would have described myself as a happy person overall. Since then, I have struggled with grief, loneliness, endless worry, depression, and feeling overwhelmed. But I am starting to feel more like my old self. This post has turned into more than just an acknowledgement of the good things that balance the hard things I've been experiencing. It has re-opened my eyes to my good fortune in life, even with my losses and challenges.

One more good thing: Yesterday was the closing of the sale of our mother's house. The responsibilities connected with it are suddenly gone. I felt so light immediately on handing over the keys to the new owner. I know I've been stressed, especially the past month, but I'm surprised by how much lighter I feel.

How was your week? I hope there were happy things in it. 

Feels Like Forever -- and Yesterday

Hello, my friends. It's been five months since my last post. How can that be? How are you all?

This is my update.

My mother, who was admitted to a nursing home on May 31, has had a series of health issues, some caused by living in a group setting and some caused by age. Her cane was taken away because she was using it as a weapon to resist care. (She was given a walker instead.) She continues to pine for her home, and doesn't understand where she actually is now. She can articulate clearly that life as she is living it is only existing. Her ability to express that blew me away and also made me feel very sad for her. I try to listen, empathize, and distract her with other topics, but her constant requests to go home make visits hard. Far too often, I dread the visit so much I literally cannot make myself go. When I do not visit, I feel guilty. So I have a choice: dread or guilt. We have been working on selling her house over the past couple of months. We will not tell her, as it would cause her even more distress.

I lost both of my companion cats in September, in less than two weeks. Lucy, my calico, began having breathing problems. After one week of medication that should have helped, she was getting worse. It was awful to see her laboured breathing. I had to make the decision to have her euthanized. She was thirteen years old, loved on her own terms, and was such a stoic cat. Then, my beautiful all-grey diva cat Meredith, sixteen, who had had kidney disease for several years, deteriorated so much that I knew it was time to let her go too. 

The dread I had before each of their final visits to the vet was overwhelming. I knew the grief that would follow, and I didn't know how I could face it again. Grief is exhausting, and losses are cumulative in their effect. Every loss reminds me of the ones that preceded it. I went into hibernation for a month and a half after that. I did the least I could to get by. Gradually I started functioning better again.

My mother-in-law was very ill this fall too, with Covid and other things. She has recovered fairly well, although she has slowed down. She also states that she feels she has some memory loss since her illness. We hope she will gradually get back the abilities that she lost.

One of my favourite aunts, who lived on the other side of Canada, passed away in early December. She was receiving treatment for cancer for nine years. There were no more treatments for her doctors to try. She wrote to me weekly for more than a year after my husband's death. She had early dementia and I preferred writing back so she could re-read the letters, but I often put it off because of the things I was busy dealing with, and because I wanted to take the time to do it well. (Perfectionist tendencies are a bug, not a feature, and don't let anyone tell you differently.) I was able to call her before she deteriorated too much but it didn't make up for all the times I put it off.

Christmas and New Year's have come and gone. I was able to see my newest grandson, finally. He is seven months old now. They only live ninety minutes away, but there was one thing after another that kept me from getting there, including some of the above, plus work, heatwaves, vehicle troubles, snowstorms, and clearing out my mom's house. It was good to finally see them over the holidays.

The fourth anniversary of my husband's death has just passed. Like so many other major changes in life, it feels like both more and less time has gone by. I feel like I am doing better than I was. A neighbour who lost her husband in a tragic accident a couple of years prior to my husband's death told me that it took five years before she started feeling like herself again. I think this may not be an unusual timeline, perhaps especially for a partner or spouse.

My brother, son and I have been working at clearing out Mom's house prior to the closing of the sale. It has been a big job. I'm about to start cleaning it now. I haven't even cleaned my own house in ages because of all the other stuff happening - and also because I have been sad and stressed. It has been an education to me over the last few years how much energy it takes to deal with heavy feelings. 

Anyhow, that's my update. I haven't been in blogland very much even for reading, let alone commenting. I'm sorry for that. But I'm starting to feel more like getting back to it. 

How have you been? I hope 2025 treats you well. Tell me your hopes for the new year, if you'd like.

I'm hoping for my life to become more stable again. Fewer crises and difficult feelings would be good. Less of the feeling like a leaf in a flooded stream, being whisked downstream at frightening speed, going under from time to time.

Yes, floating slowly, able to absorb some of the good things in my life again - that's what I am hoping for. I think my next post should be about those good things.